LIVING TO BE LOVED

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By   T.B. Knight

A woman recently buried her husband of fifty years. She had known and loved him since she was a child and, although he was twenty years her senior,  she couldn’t wait until she was old enough for him to notice her, love her, and ask her to be his wife. He did and, even though he was much older, she still wanted to bear his child or as many children he wanted because they would be a part of him and she wanted so much to please him and be surrounded with his love.  And, she did, and it was a boy, their only child, and she loved him; and the boy grew into a young man, and when he smiled his eyes smiled as well; it was that same friendly warm smile that she loved so dearly; and she saw her beloved in the face of her son; and she loved him very much and was happy, that  is,  until the day he married and moved far away so his wife could be closer to her family.  And so the woman looked about her home and saw how empty it had become, and she cleaned her son’s bedroom, which now would be a guest room, but there were no guests. There was only the woman and her husband, who was beginning to forget things, and soon he’d forget her, because that’s what Alzheimer’s does, and she accompanied him to the Doctor’s office, and they were told that the disease was worsening, but she knew that already because he couldn’t remember her name. She was told he would need twenty-four hour care and wouldn’t a nursing home be easier for her, but she declined and told the Doctor she would care for him, herself. And she did, and for a year she dressed, fed, cleaned, and put to bed her beloved, who didn’t know her, but she knew him, and then one morning she woke and found him  still sleeping, and he didn’t open his eyes, and he wouldn’t, ever again. And she buried her love and then she tidied her home  and carefully hung his suits and ties next to her dresses in the bedroom closet. Then, she went into her small living room, sat in the high winged back chair, her husband’s chair, and waited.

BECAUSE

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WHY did we meet long years of yore?

And why did we strike hands and say:

“We will be friends, and nothing more

”Why are we musing thus to-day?

Because because was just because,

And no one knew just why it was.

Why did I say good-by to you?

Why  did I sail across the main?

Why did I love not heaven’s own blue

Until I touched these shores again?

Because because was just because,

And you nor I knew why it was.

Why are my arms about you now,

And happy tears upon your cheek?

And why my kisses on your brow?

Look up in thankfulness and speak!

Because because was just because,

And only God knew why it was.

 

(The Complete Works of James Whitcomb Riley. Volume: 3. Contributors: James Whitcomb Riley-author. Publisher: Harper & Brothers Publishers. New York, 1916. Page 740)

 

 

 

Say What You Mean

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By  T.B. Knight 

One of the most important elements of a good relationship is the degree in which two individuals are able to communicate with each other. How often do we hear ” He doesn’t understand me”, “I can’t get through to her”, and “He just doesn’t get it”.

The ability to express ourselves clearly and succinctly is, of course, necessary for effective communication to take place. But, there’s an even more important element in discourse between individuals who are searching for an intimate relationship. It’s making sure you say what you mean. This is like stating the obvious, but there are many people who experience difficulty expressing their feelings. We are a curious species and we like to know what the other person thinks and what is on their mind, especially when it affects us. And, we also have a need to express ourselves, to let others know what  is on our minds, as well. That’s why it is so important that we not only strive for honesty and openness in our conversations with a love partner, but  we should also be sincere,  that is, to truly  mean what we say. “Say what you mean and mean what you say” are simple rules for effective bonding between individuals who desire a long term and  deeper relationship. Honesty and authenticity are important but sincerity is  absolutely vital to the  building and maintenance of the closeness and intimacy we want in our relationship.

When it comes to communications between romantic partners ”more is not better”.  The quality of the interaction is not dependent on how much we say, rather it’s based on how well we express ourselves. For Extroverts who don’t mind monopolizing a conversation, this means making an effort to curb the need to talk and let the partner speak.  On the other hand, introverts sometimes would rather listen than speak, which doesn’t help the communication process. And, in the case of two extroverted partners, talking at, rather than to each other interferes with the entire process.

The point is that our ability to form meaningful relationships, to a significant degree, depends on a communication process that embodies honesty and sincerity. It’s all about saying what you mean and mean what you say.

 

 

MARRIAGE: THE ULTIMATE COMMITMENT

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                                              Written by Dr. Nero Cavaliere

In Romantic relationships the assurance of a deep and lasting commitment remains the elusive butterfly for many who wish to take the relationship to the next level: Marriage.  The strength of the bond linking one individual to another is the best predictor of a long and lasting union and that bond depends on their connectedness  which is predicated on shared value systems, core beliefs, and understanding. The simple fact is that, in the long term, the more similar we are to our love partner, the stronger the bond.

Traditionally  viewed as the bedrock of our family oriented culture,  marriage, for many couples, is looked upon as the ultimate commitment between two individuals.  Visions of spending their lives together are part of the mutual understanding that  couples share as they enter wedlock with no ideas or plans of breaking the bond and ending the marriage at some future time.  Yet, the vows made  on the day they wed somehow lose their power and, for many couples,  the love and commitment once shared is no longer.  The divorce rate in the US  is more than 50%.

This means that one of every two marriages ends up in divorce. Reasons for divorces include  poor communication, financial problems, spousal abuse, and, of course, infidelity. The bottom line is that something changed from the day they said “I do” to the fateful day of surrender  when all they can say is “I’m done”.  So, what happened to commitment? Well, for one thing the term means different things to different people.

Commitment is a concept that can only be measured by the degree of intimacy, closeness, and shared feelings  that two people have for one another. It’s like preparing a robust, yet delicate  bouillabaisse.  First  we add a spoonful of attraction , then a sprinkling of friendship followed by a cupful of shared intimacy, and, finally,  a healthy  helping of commitment, stirring  gently and letting the aroma of love permeate our senses. Voila! We have Romantic love.  Over time,  Romantic love blends into  Companionate love which is when just being together is pleasurable and satisfying and the nearness of the loved one can be felt from across the room. It has its roots firmly embedded in the commitment that sustains the relationship through the good times and the “not so good” times, and it is the overwhelming feeling of loyalty and devotion that is shared with that one person who is our lover and friend throughout our lives together.

Loneliness

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  Written by T.B. Knight

Loneliness is a universal emotion that affects just about everyone some time in their life.  As social beings, we have an innate need to be with others of our species, especially those who are culturally closest to us.  The strength of the need depends, to some degree, on our personality. Extroverts, for example, enjoy being with others and actively seek social interaction. If an extrovert is stuck in a private office , you will usually find them roaming the corridors looking for someone to talk to and spending a lot of time at the coffee machine. For these individuals, a day cooped up in an office  drains them of psychic energy and at the close of the business day, they’re out meeting people at local breweries or at the fitness center recharging their batteries. Introverts, on the other hand, don’t mind seclusion and privacy.  For these individuals, a few friends are all they require, and when they are feeling in need of personal contact they will usually call a friend and meet for dinner or go shopping. Both types of personalities experience loneliness, but Introverts seem to experience it less.  But there is another type of loneliness that is more pervasive, deep, and profound. It can easily overwhelm the body’s immune system and leave the individual exposed to serious illnesses. It is the loneliness that is experienced when someone we love deeply leaves us, either by choice, such as divorce, or  death and permeates our very existence.  It sometimes is referred to as “chronic loneliness” and it can easily result in severe depression.

What are some of the things we can do to ward off chronic loneliness? First, and most important, is to seek distraction. When we are actively doing something we tend to down play our loneliness. Taking walks and being around others, joining a fitness center, getting in touch with old friends, and volunteering are just some of the ways we can occupy our minds which will, over time, replace the feelings of loneliness. Social networks, such as  chooseafamily.com.,  are ideal  approaches to  platonic relationships that, once cultivated, can blossom into meaningful experiences. The important thing to remember is that we don’t have to be lonely. We can choose our family.

 

Secrets of a Lasting Relationship

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Dr. Nero Cavaliere

Giving one’s self entirely to a romantic relationship and trying to please your partner as much as possible may certainly contribute to the maintenance of a love affair, however, the most important strategy to pursue if you want the relationship to grow stronger and more meaningful is to seek intimacy. The more intimate a relationship between two individuals, the thicker the bond that ties them together. Intimacy means more than just sex. The ultimate foundation of intimacy is the ability to tell each other “secrets”. These are self- disclosures that one partner shares with the other which, in a real sense, exposes their vulnerability.  It’s very much like letting your guard down and allowing your partner to see you in your absolute “nakedness.”

Self -disclosure is an important element in building trust and confidence in relationships. Without it there would be no real intimacy.  One partner reveals something of themselves, for example, and the other partner reciprocates.  It isn’t a confession, nor is it the seeking of solace and forgiveness. It’s simply a way of engendering trust and  commitment.

Self -Disclosure as a form of gaining intimacy can also be therapeutic.  It’s a powerful way of defusing stress which can interfere with the quality of time we spend with our partner.  This is particularly true with job related stress. Nothing can dampen a romantic evening more than a bad day at the office.  That’s why taking time out to “dump” on each other before dinner is a great way of relaxing and enjoying each other.  It’s a means of relieving ourselves of feelings and emotions that bother us. One way of obtaining the most from the experience is to place aside a specific time of the week at a favorite haunt, maybe after work, and just take turns talking about the vexations and annoyances that might have occurred during the week.  The key is not to criticize nor judge, but to listen. The objective is to unburden ourselves of stress in a secure and loving environment, without fear of being told we did something wrong, or it was our fault. By openly discussing the issues that hurt us we often find the solution to the problem ourselves by merely listening to our own voices as we relate the incident. This can only be achieved when two individuals have reached the point in their relationship that allows them  to bare their souls to their partner in a mature, caring and empathetic manner. This is true intimacy.

 

 

Love At First Sight

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By Dr. Nero Cavaliere

There is considerable research supporting the notion that individuals fall in love at first sight. It could be the way someone smiles, their voice, mannerisms, even their smell. There are numerous explanations, but one thing is clear; “love at first sight” is not love, although it may lead to the real thing, which we call romantic love.  It’s the physical attractiveness, initial impressions that one receives from the other party.

Realistically, only about eleven percent of strong initial reciprocal attractions are “love at first sight”.  This means that the possibility of two individuals experiencing “love at first sight” is not as common as many people believe it to be.  One party may be strongly attracted to another party, but with no reciprocation. Remember what I said in a previous blog about relationships between two people and how one always cares more than the other. “Love at first sight” must be reciprocal. Both parties must experience the same emotion to the same degree.  Using Carl Jung’s psychological theory of the Archetype, “love at first sight” would be explained as the interaction of the female’s animus and the male’s anima. According to Jung, the animus is the male aspect of the female and the anima, the female aspect of the male. The Archetype was Jung’s way of explaining the remnants of our prehistoric heritage stored in the personal unconscious and understanding the basic forces in human nature. Falling in love at first sight would be the experience a man has when meeting a woman who appears to be the living embodiment of his anima, his ideal of a female,  or, in the case of a woman, a man who embodies her animus.

So, what does this mean?  It implies that, for the most part, the initial feelings of one individual towards another must be recognized for what it is: attraction.  It can be the starting point of a meaningful relationship if both parties are willing to invest their time in nurturing that relationship, or it could  simply fulfill the motives driving the attraction such as lust, and expect nothing else.  The fact remains, the strength of romantic love depends on the strength of the emotion each feels, the time they spend nurturing the relationship, and the commitment they are willing to make to each other.

Happiness or Contentment?

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By Dr. Nero Cavaliere

Viktor E. Frankl, the famous psychiatrist who managed to survive three years in Nazi Concentration camps after losing his entire family, except his sister, once said “…happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue. One must have a reason to ‘be happy’. Once the reason is found, however, one becomes happy automatically.” Frankl said that we shouldn’t seek happiness for its own sake but rather search for a reason to become happy by discovering the potential meaning inherent and dormant in a given situation. In short, by discovering the meaning of our life.
The term “happiness” is fraught with ambiguity. It is difficult to describe because we tend to use it to refer to a positive state of well-being we are currently experiencing, or expect to experience, rather than to universal feelings of well-being. Webster defines happiness as being delighted, pleased or glad, as over a particular thing. When we attain, achieve, or receive something that pleases us we experience the emotion we identify as happiness. The problem is that these moments of happiness are short lived. Once the novelty of the experience is over we are back to square one, looking about us for our next moment of happiness. It’s like the elusiveness of the butterfly flitting from flower to flower. We buy the car of our dreams and we are ecstatic, only to discover that next year’s model is even better and would really make us happier than the one we have in our garage. Or, we get that promotion with our own office and, after a few weeks or months we realize that we are spending more time at the office because we are swamped with more work and more responsibility. Then, one day we ask ourselves “Can I ever really be truly happy?” Maybe, what we should be searching for instead of happiness is the contentment of knowing our life has meaning.
Contentment is being satisfied with what one is or has, and not wanting more or anything else just for the pleasure of having it. Our society tends to believe that life must be filled with joyful moments in order to be happy, rather than thinking of life in terms of serenity, which contentment implies. The quest for happiness will always allude us because once we have what we think we want, we find it doesn’t last long. It’s transitory. It fills but a moment or two of our lives while contentment can bring us true peace and tranquility. But, how do we find contentment? By discovering a- meaning of our life which transcends self-centeredness and narcissism. One way to do this is through sharing our gifts with others. As Albert Einstein said “Only a life lived for others is the life worthwhile”.

Attraction, Romance, Commitment

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By Dr. Nero Cavaliere

Relationships usually begin with attraction. One individual is drawn to another. It could be physical, or maybe they like the same things or share the same interests. Sometimes it’s the personality that draws one to the other. If the attraction is strong enough, a friendship evolves. The strength of this relationship depends on how congruent both parties are in their personal interests, value systems, and compatibility. Simply put, the more we are alike, the stronger we feel. But, for the male, who usually has one eye on a female’s body and the other on a bed, it is a relationship that is immersed in sexuality. Male hormones flood the male’s brain and filter sensory input as visions of sexual conquests consume rational mindfulness. In short, the male has only one thing on his mind. For the female, however, the relationship is usually more personal and emotional. Her interests lie in the direction of a relationship where trust and intimacy evolve sufficiently to warrant sexual activity, which, for the female, is an expression of intimacy. It is at this stage that the idealistic and romantic falling in love begins to emerge and it is also at this stage that the foundation of their relationship, in terms of future goals and commitment, begins to take shape. And, as sexual behavior becomes a part of the ensuing intimate relationship, the female wants to hear the “L” word from her partner more often, especially during sexual behavior. The female, who is “falling in love” with her partner, would prefer to label the sexual encounter as “making love” rather than ”having sex” which connotes the degree of intimacy she believes they share.
When two individuals enter into this intimate relationship the law of “ who cares most” comes into play: one party always cares more than the other. This is a simple fact of dyadic relationships (relationships between two people). The one who cares more, usually possesses the least power. They are the ones who are the first to defer to the partner’s wishes and preferences. This is a very powerful concept and should not be taken lightly. While it is true that two individuals can enjoy a somewhat equitable relationship where sharing is the norm, the strength of one’s feelings cannot be equally shared. Because two people say “I love you” doesn’t mean they actually are feeling the emotion we call “love” quite the same. This may be to state the obvious, but many relationships turn sour because the party that cares more believes the other party feels the same way and expects reciprocity in their relationship. Unfortunately, this is not the case. If John feels more strongly about Mary than Mary feels about John, then Mary will have the advantage. This doesn’t mean that the situation cannot change. Over time and circumstances, the feelings could be reversed. Mary could feel more strongly about John than he does for her. This is not unusual, especially when time takes its toll on our bodies in terms of attractiveness and fitness. The fact remains, however, that one does care more than the other and this inequity can shape the future of that relationship. This doesn’t mean that deep, affectionate love cannot be shared between two people. We have to keep in mind that the measurement of love is by degree and not kind. In other words, two people can experience intense feelings of love for each other and the degree of difference could be insignificant. This is especially true if both parties are committed to the relationship and to each other. And, the longer two individuals spend together in a committed and affectionate relationship, the stronger the bond becomes. Commitment is the cement that adheres one party to the other and provides the foundation of an intimate relationship. The most important component is self -disclosure. Without it, there cannot be true and lasting commitment. The sharing of one’s inner self to the person of choice creates and shapes the commitment, itself.

Love

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By Dr. Nero Cavaliere
Our society is notorious for using the word “love” to describe the affection we feel for just about anything. We use it to express our feelings towards a parent, child, brother, sister, friend, animals, even a school, state, or nation. We say we love our house or our car. We’ve taken the word “love” and used it so much that people in romantic relationships often ask the other party “but, do you really love me?” In using the word in so many different contexts we have, in a sense, neutralized it’s power to correctly describe the emotions we actually feel. For example, do we actually feel the same love for a pet as we do a spouse? Is the love we have for our closest friends the same love we feel towards God? Allah? Jehovah? When two people stand before a cleric and declare their love for each other is their love the same as the love they express towards their families? The answer is “no”. The problem is that we only have one word in our language that expresses our positive feelings for a person, place, or thing, and that is the word “love” Sure we can use “like” to express our feelings but compared to the word “love” it’s the difference between a dwarf and a giant. So, when we want to express deep affection we say we love our household pet, or we love our country. Intuitively we understand what the person means. Yet, there are those who banter the word about in romantic relationships to the extent it becomes almost meaningless. That’s probably why the term “lusts” rather than “love” is used to portray the male’s attraction to the female. The point is that the strongest positive feelings we have are expressed as “love” and the differences in meaning is degree rather than kind. Maybe we need a new word in our vocabulary that aptly describes these differences.